just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
