Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
