i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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