He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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