Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
