just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
