his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize