there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
