I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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