That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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