yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
sex in a hospital.. check
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize