I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
