There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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