No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
