Screwed.edu
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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