Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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