i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
