and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
