so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
