I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
