Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
