Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
