watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
