His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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