I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We left the knife in your bed.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
