how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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