just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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