I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
