Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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