Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
