I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
