This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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