Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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