1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
