Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
