turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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