and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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