just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
