She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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