I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
