Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
