im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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