I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
