broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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