Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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