he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
