my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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