I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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