I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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