one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
