R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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