I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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