I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
