my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
