I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
