My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize