Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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