i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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