Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
